Man Laws

[pacaver]

Man Laws:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

[cob]

Kevin: a few minor corrections from Ozarkistan


Man Laws:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

However they CAN share a very small cave entrance during a torrential downpour rivalling anything seen in the tropics.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

But not when the master mistook the dog for a possum trying to steal eggs from the chicken coop!

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

OR Cameron Diaz!!!

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

Screw the Boss's car! If he wanted it in one piece, he shouldn't have let me drive it!!

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Ah ain't never played that game. How's it go?

(e) When she is using her teeth.

What teeth?

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

ONLY if he shows pictures of the groom to be within 30 days of the nup-tials.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Unless the bond is over 50 bucks (it takes time to shoot more than 50 bucks)

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

Unless he has already "been there, done that"

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

You don't complain about beer... Period.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

I had one birthday, it was 48 yrs ago. Big deal.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

The weakest can use a styrofoam cup... however, DO NOT give it to the woman in the front seat... she DOES NOT know how to dispose of urine (or my-in for that matter).

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Unless they have already observed you downing 3 pitchers of beer, of course...

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

However, if it was a "wet one", you must immediately jump out of bed and do a "flush", otherwise she is just a one night stand you couldn't care less about.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

We ain't got no tropical beaches in Ozarkistan... or fruity drinks.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

In Ozakistan... you wouldn't stand up straight very long in Ozarkistan.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

How else do ya fight when yer skinny dippin'?

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

Unless yer in Dave Taylors ski boat....

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem,

and it is yer job to make sure he knows it!

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Wimmen are spies. Period.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

He must remain drunk enuf to fight!!!

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Always reach for both... otherwise you might not get either!

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

What else is there?

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

Unless you are looking for pointers...

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

Why would you hit the showers after 24 sets of 12 oz lifts? That's when you hit the crick!!!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

An imperceptable nod is all any man needs. Anything more and he's comin' on to ya.... ESPECIALLY in the bathroom!

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

After setting yer next date, just hang up. Anythin' more is foreplay.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

What mistake? What wierd? GUILT???

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

I have a car? I thought I had a truck.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

However, any mixture of the above colors is perfectly acceptable, as long as "Primer Gray" is the predominant color.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

What's an x-box? she get's a brand new 12 ga Winchester model 1200 with Full Choke and a Drum magazine!

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

Huh?