Why English teachers die young.

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Why English teachers die young.

Postby George Dasher » Jul 27, 2006 9:57 am

Every year, English teachers from across the
country can submit their collections of actual
similes and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to
the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle
that had its two sides gently compressed by a
Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making
and breaking alliances like underpants in a
dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only
come from experience, like a guy who went
blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about
the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of
E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian
beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like,
whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30
years had disintegrated because of his wife's
infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at
a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the
pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the
pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl.
The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose
hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement,
just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the
star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one
having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed
of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban
neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were
like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a
mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left
out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my
brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the
kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the
metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck
that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a
land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe
and extended one slender leg behind her, like a
dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck
backing up.
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Postby NZcaver » Jul 27, 2006 1:03 pm

Wayne posted the same stuff recently - http://www.caves.org/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=2140

Still damn funny the second time around, though! :rofl:
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