Cavechat.org

Maybe I'm just wrong but somehow joking about men's difficulty in understanding women seems like it's a bit off topic in a thread in which a woman has asked for advice in dealing with an awkward situation involving a guy...

No, he is completely clueless as to how his words come across. Yes, I think he likes me and is incapable of expressing it properly. I think of him as being emotionally like a 15 year old boy. But he's not a 15 year old boy. He's an adult man who is into whips!

SG, your description sounds exactly like a 15 year old with a crush but if he's on his 3rd divorce things just don't quite fit.

But it's sometimes hard, if I'm not ready with a response to his weirdness and I can't predict what he's gonna say, so I wind up being silent. We'll see. I'll let you know if something of note happens.

Good luck! I think being silent/ignoring is not a bad option until the opportunity to say something really presents itself.

James

howdy squoil

i've had my share of weird interactions w/co-workers over the years. what's worked best for me is to have the conversation offsite, out-of-office, what have you. might consider asking for a lunch, making a point to say you need to talk to him about something personal, semi-related to business, etc.

if he's clueless, it's just gonna be a bit awkward - might as well get it over with quickly (...easy to say!)

hank

hank moon wrote:howdy squoil

i've had my share of weird interactions w/co-workers over the years. what's worked best for me is to have the conversation offsite, out-of-office, what have you. might consider asking for a lunch, making a point to say you need to talk to him about something personal, semi-related to business, etc.

if he's clueless, it's just gonna be a bit awkward - might as well get it over with quickly (...easy to say!)

hank

Hiya Hank,

It's good advice, except I don't wanna! But ya'll have convinced me that I must say something the next time. And while private would be better, he's made so many comments to me publicly, I'm just gonna do it next time. I've been spending almost all my time at a customer's so I haven't been in my office all that much lately. But I still go to the office maybe once/day. He was out yesterday.

I was joking with two other co-workers in the pantry about "dating" (one unrelated comment led to another and another and we wound up on dating). The one guy feigned insult that I didn't consider him for dating--dude, aside from the fact you're at least 15 years too young, AND that dating coworkers is bad idea, I took it as a compliment. More joking.

The two guys seemed to branch the discussion off in a direction I hadn't originally intended, but that's OK. They said guys were especially clueless about interacting with women. They said I would need to let a guy know I was interested quite blatantly, because otherwise a guy wouldn't know. "I'm not interested in any guys that I can think of." But it does speak to the fact that a lot of men are totally clueless and that LB clearly, after years, doesn't get that my not responding to him DOESN'T mean he ought to try even harder.

But, though this is in the present and bothering me, I certainly recognize it's not a big problem. Compare me with the women in the FLDS polyg community. Now them's big problems. (No, don't turn this into a religious discussion!)

Squirrel Girl,
I think Wendy probably got it right about the guy liking you. And others got it right that a lot of guys don't
know how to interact with women. Also that some guys are clueless to hints. I know I never could take a
hint. Never could figure out what the hint meant. You probably should tell the guy that he is treating you
different from other employees and that you just want to be treated the same as the others. You may have
to give him specific examples for him to understand and believe you though. It could be that the guy isn't
even aware that he is treating you different. And quite frankly, any guy that has been divorced three times
doesn't sound like a winner to me.

Sounds like the script fer one of them situation-comedy's on the brainless box!

tncaver wrote:Squirrel Girl,
I think Wendy probably got it right about the guy liking you. And others got it right that a lot of guys don't
know how to interact with women. Also that some guys are clueless to hints. I know I never could take a
hint. Never could figure out what the hint meant. You probably should tell the guy that he is treating you
different from other employees and that you just want to be treated the same as the others. You may have
to give him specific examples for him to understand and believe you though. It could be that the guy isn't
even aware that he is treating you different. And quite frankly, any guy that has been divorced three times
doesn't sound like a winner to me.

Yes, I think that comes pretty close to the situation. I do intend to focus on the idea of being treated like everyone else.

Certainly I've had crushes on people who haven't felt the same for me. But this guy has been weird to me for a couple years. Is that normal? I kinda figured out if it ain't gonna work, no sense pining away for someone that doesn't have those feelings for me. Sure at first it's hard and not easy to adjust. But I've always moved on in weeks/months.

Some of the nicest people I know have been divorced. Everyone makes mistakes or people change through time. But by the time someone's been divorced 3 times it suggests the guy doesn't know how to pick women that are compatible with him. Clearly I'm not compatible with this guy.

Barbara,

I think if you bring up LB's "weirdness" to him, you'll just end up making him more uncomfortable and you'll compound the problem. I think when you see him you should just be ultra-mellow and smiley (you know, how you are normally, right? ) and be yourself. When he says weird stuff, laugh at it (in a friendly way, not condescending, and don't go overboard - there's a fine line here) and maybe even see if you can get him to chuckle at his own awkwardness. You will win him over that way, he'll relax around you - the ice will be broken and you won't have to worry about it anymore.

I had one of those before. I tried being friends with him because I'm generally a nice person (despite what you may hear ) but I'm married and even if I hadn't been at the time, he was so not my type. It backfired horrendously and I ended up having to quit that job to get away from him. We worked together at Wal-Mart and I'm so happy it was only a second job for me and not my primary income source or it may have been more of a problem. He still works at Wal-Mart and it's really awkward when I run into him there.

Barbara,

I expect you may not appreciate this comment very much, and you have probably dealt with this by now, but having followed this thread since its inception I feel that I may have something to offer.

It is indeed a dilemma, and one that many of us face every day in the workplace or in other venues (grotto meetings, for example). But few of us devote as much time to worrying about what to say or how to respond as you have devoted to this situation. You are over-analyzing this. I know whereof I speak - a friend once told me that I tend to "analyze the F*&%king joy right out" of things. I have also suffered from the "paralysis of analysis" and that's what I sense here. You have thought about this too much. Stop thinking and take action. Do, or do not - there is no "try".

Most people either ignore the behavior or say something as soon as it becomes uncomfortable. IMHO you have already spent an unhealthy amount of time and energy on this. Forget about this guy or shut him down - but don't waste another precious moment of your very limited time worrying or fretting about how to handle this situation. The fate of the world does not rest on your decision. Life will go on, no matter what you decide and no matter what you do. Live in the moment and don't waste your valuable time on people who do not help you move toward your goals. You are unique. We are all unique. It's just that some of us are afraid to show our uniqueness because we worry too much about what others may think. Roll the dice and take the consequences. Let go and live. You will be glad you did.

Bill

p.s. I would have said something to this person as soon as I felt uncomfortable. Something like, "Hey, do we have a problem here, or what?" Open the diallog and see what he says. If he admits the problem, deal with it immediately. If he denies the problem, say, "OK then - no worries" and don't give it another thought. Life is too short for this shit.

You are unique. Just like everyone else.

wendy wrote:maybe he has a crush on you and him being stupid and anoying is cuz you make him nervous.

That's what I was thinking.